two tried and trusted tools for maintaining a sense of control and reducing stress!
I’d be lying if I said all this talk about coronavirus hasn’t got me slightly stressed and feeling like the situation is out of control. It’s affecting my choices and my behaviour, and it’s not just me. I’m noticing it in others too : slightly sharper communications, irrational decisions, even outright fisticuffs at the supermarket.
One thing we know for sure is that stress weakens our immune system. So don’t do that. Try these two tried and trusted tools instead. They’re oldies, but they’re goodies. (And they’re relevant to all sorts of stressful situations, not just pandemics!)
1. Circles of Control
This is essentially a mix of Steven Covey’s “Circles of Influence” and Locus of Control theory. It basically says if you’re going to spend energy on something make sure it’s within your circle of control. There are three aspects to control:
Outside of your control.
First are the things you have direct control over: what time you get out of bed, whether you brush your teeth, what you wear to work and so on. These are the things that are directly within your control.
Next are the things you don’t have direct control over but have some influence over. So that might be, for example, what time your children get out of bed (unless they’re teenagers!), whether they brush their teeth, what they wear to school etc. You can’t directly control these things, but you can influence them.
And lastly are ….. things that are beyond your control or influence. They might be within your circle of concern, but they are beyond your control or influence. So forget them. Instead, invest your energy in activities that are within your control and influence, and work on expanding those circles.
Take control of the things you do have control over, influence the things you can influence, and accept that everything else is outside your control or influence.
2. Transactional Analysis (TA)
TA sits on the periphery of contemporary psychology. It’s well and truly post-Freudian, rejects Freudian precepts, has never been really taken up by mainstream psychology yet has a huge fan base. And that’s because it works.
TA is really quite simple. It says that we have three ego states, that of Parent, that of Adult and that of Child. In social situations (“transactions”) we adopt different states.
The Parent state is the bossy, “I know best”, “you’ll do as I say” state. In contemporary terms, it’s the aggressive autocrat.
The Child state is the helpless, “I can’t do it”, “you’re so mean to me” state. In contemporary terms, it’s the passive/defensive state.
The Adult state is where we want to be. Adult is assertive, but not aggressive. Truthful but respectful. Helpful but not enabling. As an Adult, we don’t engage either in Parent or Child behaviours. We own it.
Our tendency when someone comes at us from the Parent state is to respond either co-aggressively (parent-parent), or defensively (parent-child). And when we see someone as a helpless “I can’t do it” victim, we tend to revert to parent.
So… our goal is always to be in the Adult state, and to have Adult to Adult interactions.
If you’re feeling stressed in social or workplace interactions, pay attention to your behaviour. Own it. Are you being defensive? Are you being aggressive? Ask yourself, am I in Adult?
Our role as leaders, when we experience staff, friends, colleagues who have slipped into Parent or Child states, is to help them back into an Adult state. It reduces their stress, and it reduces ours, too. We can do this by staying Adult, ourselves.
